you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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