im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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