Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He better not be in your backpack
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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