Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
