I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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