I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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