I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
