3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
