She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
