I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
