I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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