I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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