I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
