I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
