Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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