Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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