how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
