I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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