So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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