Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
