"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
