she takes plan B like it's going out of style
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
