I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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