How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
