I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
