oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
