he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
