Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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