yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
