every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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