Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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