i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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