There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
