you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
