I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
