If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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