Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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