Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
you never un-have a 4some
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
