Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
