I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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