i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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