I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
