I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
