Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
