I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
