nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
