I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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