Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
