Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
