I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
