Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
