I am spending my child support on dildos
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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