I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
